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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 2, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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thanks for joining us. stephen colbert has david schwimmer and jules team next. >> stephen colbert! -- joel osteen captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's nice. that's entirely pleasant.
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( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." that's nice. welcome to "the late show." thank you so much. i am stephen colbert. happy groundhog day everybody! wow, it really feels like i said that yesterday. ( laughter ) anyway, happy groundhog day everybody! it's a great day. i hope you got your groundhog something nice. but all of us got a present today, because the prognosticator of prognosticators, punxsutawney phil, did not see his shadow. that means we will have a short winter. ( cheers and applause ) it obviously, made a lot of people happy. not me. because, full disclosure, i am a
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i don't all think the science is in on weather-forecasting rodents. sure, 98% of climate veterinarians believe that groundhogs can affect the seasonal tilt of the earth's axis, something to do with the burrowing, evidently. maybe they're taking core samples down there. i don't know. but i just don't buy it. i mean, how much ground could a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground? i had to practice that. but, folks, i see my shadow right here on the state so ooij predicting 60 minutes of great show for you tonight. touch and go. touch and go. you never know. first i'll sit down with actor david schwimmer. ( cheers and applause ) david is starring in "the people v. o.j. simpson." so peyton manning isn't the only white bronco on tv this week.
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then-- fine family joke. then i'll talk with pastor joel osteen. ( cheers and applause ) the pastor is going to bring us the good news. pastor has a new book called "the power of i am," something i learned long ago when i first tried greening as and ham. then we'll hear a performance by singer-songwriter m. ward. ( cheers and applause ) his upcoming album-- his upcoming album is called "more rain." i just hope he didn't get that forecast from a groundhog. ( band playing ) oh, that right there is jon batiste and the stay human symphony orchestra. say hi. ( cheers and applause ) they're about to bring you to your feet and me to my seat. but before they do, one more thing: a new super bowl commercial is going to feature babies conceived after previous super bowl wins. i'm just worried about getting
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clydesdales. >> tonight, stephen welcomes. david schwimmer. pastor joel osteen. and a musical performance by m. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause )
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hello! thank you very much. >> jon: yup, yup, yup. >> stephen: this is so nice. listen, everybody, in case you haven't noticed we are broadcasting tonight from evidently rural arizona or something. i'm not entirely sure why we are broadcasting from the countryside. we usually have a cityscape. >> and realized after finishing the cold open i am not standing in new york city tonight. this is absolutely-- honest to god, i have no idea. do we know where new york city is? it's gone? we lost the whole damn city. that's a window. that's not video. that's a window. i look out every night i look out back here. it's gorgeous. i'm going to go horse back riding tomorrow. i think there's a supernova going up. i'm not entirely sure what that is. anyway, it's very mellow, very
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let me know if we get new york back. ( laughter ) anyway, it's a huge night last night. you guys know what i'm talking about it. everybody's talking about it. we were all glued-- everybody is excited. we were all glued to our tvs watching a bitter showdown between rivals battling for supremacy, with a shocking turn of events that no one could've seen coming-- ben might take away olivia's rose! ( laughter ) that's unprecedented! look, i know she won that rose fair and square with her cooking skills on the group date, but she's no good for him! ben, when will you wake up and see that lauren b. is the one? look at her. she's made of pure light. of course, last night was also the iowa caucuses. ( laughter ) the first-in-the-nation-- for some reason-- contest where the stakes were huge for all of the candidates. really? this many candidates, still? ( laughter ) there's no winnowing process at
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did someone get them wet or feed them after midnight? why are they so-- ( laughter ) anyway, following the iowa caucus, everything has changed, in that, for the next four years, none of these people will step foot in iowa for any reason. and the caucus was a squeaker. >> we have breaking news. the chair of the iowa democratic party says they are now poised to award more delegates to hillary clinton and called it the closest caucus in history. >> a razor-thin margin separates bernie sanders and hillary clinton in iowa, a race too close to call. >> stephen: yes, last night's democratic caucus was super close. hillary won by .3 of 1%. or as it's known in iowa, carl. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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maybe we're in iowa! ( laughter ) the corn won't let us go! and after all that campaigning, this splinter of a sliver of a shard of a margin of an echo of a ricochet of a victory came down to a matter of luck. >> if you thought last night's democratic caucus was essentially a toss-up, in some places it literally was. is >> the race between bernie and hillary actually came down to a coin toss in six places. >> the democrat rules allow a coin toss to break a tie, and hillary clinton won it some six times at six different precincts. >> stephen: yes, a coin toss. in six precincts. the democrats picked the winner the same way roommates decide who has to drive to taco bell. dude, there's no way i can.
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let's go. and hillary won all six of the coin tosses. with that kind of coin flipping prowess, forget the democrats. the broncos should draft hillary for the super bowl on sunday. ( applause ) i mean, after all-- i think she may be younger than peyton manning. ( laughter ) i will tell you what i think happened here. bernie has trash talked money in politics so much, that now the coins have turned against him. but having six delegates decided by coin toss just feels undemocratic. so instead of gambling for them, i think the candidates should share them. okay, delegates? you'll spend thanksgiving with bernie and christmas with hillary. and they will trade off every other weekend, and here is the best part. you will have two racecar beds! the important thing to remember iowa voters, it is not your fault. they both love you equally, and you'll get lots of attention. at least until the new baby
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meanwhile, on the republican side, one man trumped them all with huge turnout that got his base, you're fired up, ted cruz. and cruz's victory means everyone's talking about one thing, donald trump. trump came in second with 24%. but this future president billionaire donald trump. he is a winner. there was no way he would just humbly accept second place. donald, come out with guns blazing! >> we finished second, and i want to tell you something. i'm just honored. i am really honored. >> stephen: who are you, and what have you done with donald trump's body? ( laughter ) this man is an imposter. i mean, that is clearly a wig. it looks like what took trump
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second place were ted cruz's repeated attacks on trump for having new york values. donald defended the city he loves, so it was nice to see the local papers have his back today. here is the "new york post," "cruz-ified." and the "new york daily news," "dead clown walking." ( laughter ) you like that? you like that? you like that? ( cheers and applause ) these are your new york values. "thanks for sticking up for us, donald. oh, you came in second? go ( bleep ) yourself." ( cheers and applause ) but even though iowa rejected him, trump isn't giving up on the hawkeye state. we will be back many, many
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in fact, i think i might come here and buy a farm. >> stephen: wow. i have to say, i cannot imagine what donald trump on a farm would look like. thankfully, i don't have to. is green acres is the place to be farm living is the life for me land spreading out so far and wide. keep manhattan just give me that countryside >> stephen: "president trump, the north koreans have pitchfork violated the demilitarized zone. secretary of defense meatloaf is ready to launch the nukes." but as happy as trump and cruz were with their results, no one was more excited than the clear frontrunner of third place, marco rubio. >> tonight, here in iowa, the people of this great state have sent a very clear message. after seven years of barack obama, we are not waiting any longer to take our country back! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: apparently,
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guaranteed path to victory, which is why tonight i am placing a large super bowl bet on the arizona cardinals. i cannot lose! and i've just been told that i lost. all right. here you go. how much is that? okay. just take that. there you go. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and, folks, if that-- if that's how happy rubio is with third place, i can only imagine the thrill of fourth place finisher ben carson. jimmy, where is dr. carson? >> dr. ben carson is taking a quick break from the campaign trail. he told reporters in iowa that he's headed back to his florida home for 24 hours to grab some fresh clothes. ( laughter ).
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when he saw that he finished a distant fourth in a state he used to lead, ben carson suddenly needed to change his pants. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but i think-- but i think carson is making a critical mistake with this fresh clothes strategy, because right now, bernie sanders is surging. and i don't think this man has changed his clothes in years. we'll be right back with david schwimmer. i'll be right back. be good. text mom. boys have been really good today. send. let's get mark his own cell phone. nice. send.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, oh, hey. welcome back to "the late "the late show" ranch." my first guest is an old friend, a beloved actor, and now stars in "the people vs. o.j. simpson." >> is it-- is it impolite to ask. >> no, man, talk to me. >> what is howard's game plan? >> i don't know what hoird a-- that's what i'm saying. why was i cuffed up and now it's
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>> why did he let you get interviewed? >> whatever they asked me i talked to them. i said i have nothing to hide. what do i have to hide? >> why in the hell were in there alone? >> i don't know, man. i don't-- these are good questions. >> stephen: please welcome david schwimmer! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, david schwimmer. >> hi, stephen colbert. >> stephen: this is incredibly pleasant to have you here. >> for me, too. >> stephen: for people out there who may not know, we went to college together. >> we dindeed. >> stephen: we studied theater at northwestern university. at the school of speech they called it back then.
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is an actual photo of you and me. we were in an improv group. >> we were. >> stephen: the... no fun mud piranas were the name of the group. >> that's right. >> stephen: see if you can pick out us in this group together. this is back-- okay, you-- push in a little bit more if you can. there is david schwimmer. ( laughter ) and there is stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) can we go back there, right there? you have hair that kylo ren would love. unbelievable. at what point did you give it up? at what point did you give up the hair? >> oh, boy, yeah, i think senior year in college. >> stephen: really. >> i cut it for a show. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: it was uncastable? >> yeah, i had-- it was a lot of maintenance, too. when you have long hair like that. >> stephen: i imagine, just cream rinse alone could bust
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did you do the young, strug lung actor thing like wait tables when you got out? >> absolute. i think we have that in common as well. we both worked at various restaurants in chicago. i waited tablefor about seven years between -- >> wow. >> edbebevicks gli worked for the same guy, a place called scuzzi. >> i remember when you came in, because i think you had already done something in hollywood or shouldsomething like that because i was like, i'll never work and david schwimmer already has work. >> i wondered why my soup tasted just a little-- a little colbert. >> stephen: you can't prove anything pup can't prove anything. it was a very deep bowl, though. ( laughter ) okay. let's get down to the nitty of the gritty here. >> okay, let's do it. >> stephen: you're playings canplayingrobert kardashian. i'm familiar with the family name.
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know the kardashians, robert, who was a friend of o.j.'s. what were they to each other? >> they were friend. >> stephen: what was the jeeks it was u.s.c. football, actually. they knew each other about 25 years before the trial. they were very good friend, closest of friend, best men at each other's other's weddings. the families would vacation together. they were also-- they went into business with each other. robert was a lawyer, and then and all this went down, robert of asked to join the defense team. >> stephen: robert shapiro asked him to join the defense team. >> that's right. >> stephen: so he was there every day in the courtroom. >> he was there. he was there every day, and also visiting o.j. in jail the entire time. >> stephen: it's hard to believe it was 20 years ago at this point. >> yeah. >> stephen: when you first-- this was the first year you got "friends," right? >> yes. >> stephen: were you paying attention to it or was your world just blowing up too much to care about that? >> i was too go into what i was
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>> stephen: you and i knew each other as i said from northwestern university but also the theater in chicago. you are one of the founding members of the looking glass theater. if you're in chicago and anthrax see something beautiful, go to the looking glaz theater. there's no other performance space and no other group like the looking glass theater. amazing. really beautiful. whenever i see the looking glass theater i think it's a great thing to have in the united states. do you still perform live? >> yes. >> stephen: i don't know. we know you-- >> theater. >> stephen: theater, yeah, yeah. >> i did a play here in new york a couple of years ago, playwrights horizon called "detroit." and i'm also back in chicago directing and acting with the company when i can. i love it. there's nothing like-- like a live audience. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you-- well, what-- how do you like-- are you from los angeles originally? >> yeah, i was born in queens,
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l.a. and then -- >> and then lived in chicago for many years. >> then went to northwestern. >> stephen: how would you compare the three big cities in america. do you have a fav? you're in new york right now. >> i'm in new york. well, i moved here about 12 years ago and this is where i decided to live and raise a family. so i would say right now new york would be my fav. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nicely done. these people love you for saying that. just don't ever come in second place in iowa. >> i won't. >> stephen: we started off as an improv group together. >> we did. >> stephen: did you enjoy the the improvisation? >> you know, i'm going to be really honest. i was always-- this is true. i'm not lying. steve, i could never keep up with him. he-- your mind is just so ridiculously fast. and i was more. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: very nice of you to say. >> it's the god's honest truth. and i actually was really grateful for being in that group
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"oh, that's why i can't do that." ( laughter ) so, i mean, i should go into acting and not that. >> stephen: do you know what i remember, do you know what i remember, one of the things i remember about you, other than you were a very gifted actor, is that between your freshman and your sophomore year, you grew a chest. ( laughter ) you-- do you remember this? you worked out like mad that summer. >> i do remember that. >> stephen: and you were just, like, an average freshman but sor more year it was like when about schwimmer get jacked? were you juicing. >> i wasn't. >> stephen: how did you get so jacked. >> i just worked out. >> stephen: it was boom. you were totally ripped over one summer. you know what i'm talking about. >> i appreciate that. >> stephen: all of us who got to see it appreciated it, too! yeah. >> i was eye didn't reach puberty until very late. so i was short and heavy until
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until, like, summer of junior year of high school, and then senior year. so-- and then i suddenly was really tall, and all skin and bones. like, just tall and thin. so when i got to college i thought i should probably exercise. >> stephen: i just want you to know, to this day, if i ever get in an exercise regime, i think to myself, "i wonder if this will have any effect if i work hard?" and i think, "well, schwimmer did it in a summer. how hard could if it?" thank you for that example. thank you for that north star. >> i'm glad i could inspire you. >> stephen: great to see you. say hello to my frindz at the looking glass. >> stephen: "the people vs. o.j. premiered tonight on fx. catch up online and watch episode two next tuesday at 10 p.m.
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( cheers and applause ). >> welcome back, everybody. you know, i just realized something, this is our 83rd show, and i have yet to discuss with you how much i love shopping at anthropologie. although i don't quite get the name because if you majored in plol, there's no although, i don't quite get the name, because if you majored in way you can afford to stop there. they sell tunics, beaded jewelry, urban capes, everything you need to step out in style if you're stevie nicks. but they also sell things you can use to whimsically decorate your house, like this, the west village corrugated can. which coincidentally is also the name of the least poplar strip club in new york.
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piece of shabby cheek. it's made of tin, and you can get it with rope or wood handles and it's covered in rusty patches. rusty patches, also the name of the least popular stripper at the west village corrugated can. ( laughter ) ( applause ) a redhead, one imagines. and all of this can-- can be yours, for just $99.95, plus shipping. quite a deal when you consider its original price of $148. meaning with this decorative trash can, you can take the extra 50 bucks you save and literally throw your money away, and, sure, yes, you could buy a nearly identical trash can at any hardware store for $14 but that one is galvanized. it's never going to rust. think how embarrassed you will be when none of your guests get tetanus. and that's not the only piece of
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at plol. i'm even more intrigued by this vintage apple-picking ladder, which is for decorative use only. so remember, if you're going to hang this ladder, you're going to need another ladder to do it. well, great news, folks, these items have inspired me to update the catalog of my beloved personal lifestyle brand, covetton house. >> baroque simplicity. shabby elegance. give me money. ( laughter ) covetton house. >> stephen: mmm. mmmm. mmmm. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for joining me up here at my decorative canyon. ( laughter ) mmm...
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inside of it and is spray painted with the words "weed clown." ( laughter ) ( applause ) price-- don't know why-- price. the highest number you can think of. plus shipping and handling. or, for those in need of a table centerpiece, try this sophisticated, urbane, aquarium full of baby shoes. friends won't be able to help but reflect on this conversation starter with questions like, "what happened to the babies?" or "what happened to the fish?" truly a one-of-a-kind statement. yours for only 16... digits on your credit card. for a limited time only, buy one. wheel charge you for two. and if you've already purchased the west village corrugated can, consider this handsome companion piece, a bespoke collection of hell's kitchen hand-bagged garbage featuring the fragrant remains of cuisines from around the world, as well as a toaster
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probably work if it had a new cord. order now. with covetton's help, you'll have no trouble keeping up with the people who live in the alley behind the joneses. we'll be right back, with pastor joel osteen. there was a giant made by men. not from flesh and bone. but bricks and mortar,
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a pastor and bestselling author who has been described as one of the most influential christian leaders in the world. please welcome joel osteen. ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to have you here. >> thank you, my pleasure. thanks for having me. >> stephen: i have not often interviewed a preacher man and you are a preacher man. >> i am. >> stephen: okay. you're not just any old preacher man, though. you produce a television show seen in over 100 countries, over 10 million people, 45,000 people attend your services every week. you've written several bestselling books. even god rested on one day. when do you? when do you find time to do all this? >> you know, stephen, it's just all planned out. you know, i have a great staff
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services at lakewood and get to write books in between time and get to visit with people like you. blessed to be able to do it. >> stephen: you are also blessed by another bestseller. this one is called "the power of i am." two words that will change your life today. okay, now, when i am of "i am" i think of moses up on the mountain saying to god, "who shall i say sent me?" and god said, "i am, that i am." >> that's right. >> stephen: now, that seems like a mystery to me. what more do you have to add to the word of god? >> i think in that case god was saying i am everything, because i am. >> stephen: right. >> now, mine is a different take on it. it is what follows the world "i am," i believe you're inviting into your life. i think a lot of people don't realize it, but playing in their mind, and even sometimes we say it you know, "i am slow. i am unlucky. i am, you know, not attractive." and i think we're inviting negative things in. i think we're supposed to say you know, "i am pleased.
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i am talented." i think you have to invite the right things into your life. >> stephen: this is the power of positive vision for yourself. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: right. >> i think it is. and i think there's power in our words. i think people don't realize how many times we speak negative things about ourselves. >> stephen: i do that all the time. i'm so stupid. ( laughter ) >> i brought you this book just for you. >> stephen: thank you very much. i hope this is going to fix me up. do you have to read the book-- do you have to believe in jesus to are read the book? >> no, even when jesus was on earth he went to all kinds of people. so i try to get outside the church wall s. >> stephen: your church is nondenominational, correct. >> it is nondenomination. >> stephen: if i was somebody coming to your services or one of the 10 million people who watches you, you know, every week around the world, are you, yourself, in a way a denomination?
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that's as big as some religions out there. there are lutherans. are there such things as o'steenians. >> i turn everything back to the lord. i have no desire to become a denomination or have followers of me, but ifers of christ. i think again, i've been a little unusual and got outside of the church world. i talk about life, forgiveness, having good attitudes, reaching your dreams, not just, you know-- a lot of times religion pushes people down. >> stephen: as a catholic-- let me ask you this-- have you tried the power of crippling guilt. ( laughter ) ( applause ) have you tried that? >> no. that's so funny. it's so funny. >> stephen: it works for me, man, it works for me. "i better do it. i better be better." >> really, stephen, it's funny because it is the reason a lot of people don't go to church. they teal me, "joel, i'm guilty enough.
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our message say little bit different. it says god is for you. you can recover from a fall. you can live your dreams pup don't have to live under the guilt, the condemnation. >> stephen: how do you feel about the people who have of tv preachers, 85 me your cash, and you, too, will get cash is there any of that in your preaching? >> i don't believe in that. >> stephen: do you ask people to send you cash? >> no, never have. >> stephen: that's refreshing. >> thank you. >> stephen: let me ask you this, regardless-- rarlt of whether you ask, do they send you cash anyway? >> people send cash anyway. here's the thing-- here's the thing. ( laughter ) let me tell you this. let me tell you this. i should clarify that. they don't send me cash. i don't take a salary -- >> you don't take a salary? that's a nice suit, man. >> that's because i brought you this book, you know. >> stephen: is there-- is there, like-- is there a-- a
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not one of, say, prosperity? is there one thing you want people to take from this book? >> well, one thing is to not be against yourself. you're made in the image of god. he made every person a masterpiece. it's easy to say i'm not as smart as him, not as funny as him, not as talented. quit being against yourself through the day and not arrogantly think i'm a masterpiece. i'm strong, i'm talent gld well, you do look strong and talented. i like your open message like this, like this very accepting, nondenominational. you seem like a texan pope francis. a pope francis, i'm guessing, maybe with abs. because you seem-- you seem very fit. is physical fitness very important to you because you really do look like an elite athlete. >> oh, thank you. i appreciate that. you know what, i grew up playing sport. i love to run. >> stephen: i do, too, but at
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and i can't-- i can't do this anymore. >> i don't know. >> stephen: that's part of the blessing. even just how white your teeth are is a big selling point for this book, i promise you. thank you for being here. thanks for putting up with my stupidity. and god bless you, reverend. >> thank you. it's a blessing to be here. thank you so much. >> stephen: joel osteen's "the power of i am" is available now. we'll be right back. aflac. ohh ah ah aflac! aaaaf-lac! ta-daa! he's not a very good magician. he paid my claim in just one day. one day?! shh! how does he do it? in just one day,
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one day pay, only from aflac. recently we've noticed some ads created by these two birds, inviting you to stay away from the streak free shine of windex. well dear windex users these ads are false. sfx: squeaks from window cleaning clean glass is better than dirty glass. don't stand for dirty. use windex. announcement: this storm promises to be the biggest of the decade. with total accumulation of up to three feet. roads will be shut down indefinitely. and schools are closed. campbell's soups go great with a cold and a nice red.
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i'm neil patrick harris and new york is my home. no place has more world class culture. come winter, i can't wait to visit our must-see collections of art and superb photography and film. new york has beautifully restored theaters, that are now important centers for the performing arts. and museums that preserve the glories of the past. winter in new york state means more great things to do than ever. plan your trip at iloveny.com
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and one proshield refill gets you up to one month of shaves. give extra. get extra. out of the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected.
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m. ward! anybody got a load that they need lifted anybody got a pain in their heart there's a place you can hide when they're conspiring against you confession somebody need a body to save the day somebody need a love that goes all the way there's a place you can go where i know they'll never find you confession confession of the motherlode confession to a virgin ghost admission of forces you know admission of ones you don't
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at the station anybody lose their ticket stub to go home there's a place you can go when you wandered too far from home yeah confession confession of the motherlode confession to a virgin ghost admission of forces you don't know admission of ones you know confession of the motherlode confession to a virgin ghost admission you wanna get back home admission you can't do it alone
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lives confession you don't know what it is admission but you know its true admit that it don't come from
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: m. ward's album, "more rain," is out march 4!
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you. right down to your skin. aveeno daily moisturizing lotion with 5 vital nutrients for healthier looking skin in just one day. aveeno .
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are you tired of hazardous glass made so clear by sfx: slide show windex that you don't even know it's there? sfx: slide show smudge it! with the new smudge stick even clear glass gets visibly smudged in a snap. sfx: smudge sounds against glass
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. hold on one second. that's it for the late show but before we go i want to check in with our old friend at the "the late late show," james corden. good morning, james. >> how are you, nice to see you. how are you doing. >> stephen: doing great, just goot off work. jon and i are going to hit the clubs the way we normally do displaim look at the way jon batiste stretches. if i tried to do that i would look like a man in the middle of a breakdown. but he does it-- no, no one else can wear that hat. you can't wear that hat. stephen, put that hat on, see what you look like. look at this, see? >> stephen: i can't. >> james: you're like keep away, kids. keep away. kids, don't go near the man, kids, come on. >> stephen: it says, wow! new york city, skyscrapers and
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i hope i don't get mugged! who do you have on the show tonight? >> james: tonight we have a fun show and i did carpool karaoke with chris martin. i for the super bowl half time show. it's very fun. >> stephen: that's amazing. chris martin, adele, one direction-- does every british celebrity legally required to do your show? ( laughter ). >> james: yeah, we just booked paddington bear for next week. it's going to be huge. >> stephen: have a great show, james. >> james: thank you so much. you look so well. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> james: i will see you soon. >> stephen: how about the hat? one more time. good-bye, james. >> james: don't do it! >> stephen: tune in tomorrow when my guests will be dr. phil; from hbo's "togetherness," mark and jay duplass; author michael eric dyson; and a musical performance by anderson pack.
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